Unedited Me | Vol. 2
It’s time for another edition of Unedited Me! The part of the blog where I remove all filters and layout where I’m truly at with life and MeetCUTEs. With Vol. 1 of Unedited Me being more of a coming-to-term reflection, today’s blog post is more of a beautification.
“We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty.”
- Maya Angelou
Let’s dig in.
I was a late bloomer when it came to dating. I was cursed with low self-esteem and a Disney princess complex (“someone will save me and sweep me off my feet without me even trying”)! This doesn’t mean opportunities didn’t present themselves. No, it was more like Belle with The Beast, except when a guy would give me subtle gifts and attention, I would friendzone him out of fear (which Belle should have done given the fact she was being held hostage)! This all the while whimsically thinking, “I wish a guy would just want to be with me.”
“Could I be any more ironic? Or blind?”
My longest relationship lasted four months and up until two years ago, I had only kissed two guys in my life?! I have had a lot of shame about this—being naive and inexperienced. I felt like I was at a disadvantage in life and had nothing to bring to relationships. My worth was coming into question.
Then I started opening up and talking to others about my experiences! It was only then that I started to see myself differently and people finally had the opportunity to deconstruct my wayward (and ironic) thinking!
When reflecting on the past, it only made sense for me to start flipping through a couple of my 15 journals! 2017 seemed like a rough year with page after page of me apologizing to God. That Christian guilt was alive and well!
I would apologize for not reading the Bible every day.
I would apologize for getting annoyed at the person who shoved me out of the way to squeeze into the last bit of space on the underground.
I would apologize for not “rising above it all” when I was experiencing what I now know was gaslighting.
I would even apologize for not feeling content in my singleness.
At the time, I thought I was being Godly by chronically confessing and feeling so much guilt, but in all honesty, I was just really broken. By the time 2018 rolled around, I was questioning my worth.
February 7th, 2018
“Yesterday I felt overwhelmed with singleness. It’s been 12 years [since being in a true relationship]. I’m just tired of talking about it and trying to find a place in a “married” world. I know how dramatic that sounds, but it’s how I feel and the longing is there. My whole life I’ve wanted someone to fight for me and now, I’m in a culture where that’s the opposite. And I always come back to that thought, “Am I enough?” The truth is, I don’t know if I am for this world. There’s so much about me that I feel doesn’t fit.”
“Friends, hear me clearly, life is hard enough without us questioning our worth.”
The thing is, I was numb at the time. And after many years of feeling numb, it started to feel like peace. Almost like a comfort blanket—something familiar and a way of coping with things. So, when emotions arose, I would either question my worth, become indifferent to them, or exchange them (my internalized anger was outwardly presented as fake joy). As I shared in My Greatest Heartbreak, it felt like what made me me was trying to be erased. Like my worth was fading.
Two and a half years after writing that note in my journal, I removed the obstacle in my life that kept causing me to question every ounce of myself. No longer numb, I started allowing myself to feel again! I started reconnecting with my worth.
The crazy part about this story so far is I forget to give myself credit. The truth is, I’ve been fighting for myself for decades! I’ve definitely put myself in compromising situations and others have definitely put me in compromising situations, but as Maya Angelou puts it so eloquently in the butterfly quote, to get to where I am today, there was a lot of fighting I had to do for myself. Even in my numb state, I fought. Even in my friend-zoning state, I fought. Even while being gaslit, I fought. I put in the work.
The best reminder I can speak to myself is that it's okay to believe I deserve the goodness and beautification. I fought for it. I deserve it!
“You see, the funny part about this all is I never lost my worth. My worth has always been with me! I just didn’t recognize it. ”
However, knowing my worth hasn’t magically made me not single. My luck with dating has been awful and don’t get me started with the tumbleweed that is my romantic relationships. But that is not where my worth lies! My worth cannot be dictated by societal expectations. My worth lies with the inner child whose imagination delivered tales of adventures at the tender age of eight and who would share those short stories shamelessly with anyone who would listen. Her love of writing has never stopped blooming. My worth lies in the memory of swinging on our family farm’s tire swing and feeling the wind blow through my hair. My worth lies in the moment I said, “No more!” That was damn powerful.
My worth lies within me. Each step I took along the way carved out a new connection with my worth, and strength in myself.
Bottomline, your worth is part of who you are. No one, no matter how hard they try, can take that away from you! So, let the beautification continue, and let more and more connections be made with our worth.
Editor’s Note: As you read in this article, my life could be imploding but I would still be worried about finding love. I find that hilarious, yet when finally opening up to others, it has been confirmed that I’m not the only one who thinks like this. All in all, in our brokenness, it’s healthy love and relationships (platonic or romantic) that seem to be the glue in keeping us from falling apart!
