Just Let Me Love You | Part 1

When I was eight years old, I sat in a hair salon chair with my back to the mirror staring at my mom’s worried face. I had come for a haircut because my curls had become “unmanageable.” When the hairdresser finished, she swivelled the chair around and I gawked at my hair that had been cut like Jonathan Taylor Thomas’ teenage boy look on the tv show, Home Improvement. It was the 90s, I lived in a small town, and so this was (supposedly) the only solution. I cried. From that day forward, random fully grown adults would call me a boy. It has stuck with me to this day, because it was the moment I began to believe I wasn’t worthy. This thought later translated into not being worthy of another’s affection. I didn’t seem to have the look or personality worthy enough.

It’s funny the things we pick up as children and how we process them in our ever-evolving minds. Though this story has started bleak, this is not the feeling throughout this two-part series.

This meetCUTE is a love story.

I know this may come as a shock with all the roller coaster meetCUTEs I’ve shared. But in all honesty, I only have a couple of romantic dating stories that are romcom-esk and only one that involves a relationship! What can I say? I was a late bloomer when it came to dating. And you heard me right, I’ve only had one real relationship. One that lasted beyond the “honeymoon” stage. I’ve spent a lot of my 30s embarrassed to admit it, but I’m trying to be comfortable in my own skin. Part of that is owning who I am, not who I’d like to be. 

So, are you ready for this love story and how my lack of confidence sabotaged it? 

Let’s dig in.

“When The Adorer and I met, we could not have been more opposite. He had been forced to attend Bible College because he was a “rebellious soul” and I happily went! He was loud, angry a lot of the time, and listened to heavy metal, while I was quiet, shy, and listened to songs like “Breakaway” by Kelly Clarkson. He didn’t care about rules whereas I cared deeply about abiding by them.”

But, somehow, amidst all that indifference, we became friends and I begrudgingly developed feelings for him. By begrudgingly I mean my biggest fear in life was rejection. So, to protect myself, I rejected any feelings that would arise for a guy. I literally pretended they didn’t exist.

There’s lots of details about our college friendship that I could go into, but I won’t. What I will say is it was toxic to start off with. Everyone got involved in our friendship trying to separate us from each other. Eventually one of the professors pulled me into her office for an hour to give me a wake-up call. It felt more like a bitch slap.

It was after this conversation and then the one I had with him, that changed our friendship forever.

Through these interventions, boundaries, and us both doing some therapy, our friendship became healthy. It was supportive! We travelled together after college and spoke almost daily (on a landline because it was the early 2000s).

After several months of a long distance friendship, came the moment that changed everything! The Adorer came to visit me at my family home. Throughout all this time of us drawing closer and closer to each other, and people saying “he likes you,” I rejected it all.

“How could he like me? He was smart, handsome, and funny. How could a guy like that be interested in a girl like me? Even my father (who normally stayed out of my love life) strongly said to me, “No guy travels to visit a girl unless he’s interested.” I responded just as firmly and with teenage angst by saying, “You don’t get it! We are just friends!””

When The Adorer arrived, he surprised me by bringing with him my good friend, Miss Singer! I immediately started crying. I couldn’t believe she was there!

I would later find out that the only reason he brought Miss Singer with him was because he wanted to make me feel special. Even if that meant he would lose alone time with me. But more of that later!

The three of us spent the next week savouring every moment together. I introduced Miss Singer to a friend, Mr Pitt (the ladies in town thought he looked like Brad Pitt), and they hit it off immediately. Suddenly our week went from The Three Amigos to The Adorer and I awkwardly sitting together while Miss Singer and Mr Pitt cuddled and snogged (... a throwback word to make you smile).

Full disclosure, I pushed The Adorer away during this week. His attention and kindness scared me. I wasn’t used to someone caring this deeply for me! I was used to name-calling, avoidance, and manipulation. I wasn’t ready to own up to what I truly felt, which was love.

So, after this poor guy drove over seven hours, pushed aside his own desires and brought my friend with him, was kind, generous, and truly put himself out there, I rejected him like a fool. He didn’t verbally say he wanted to be with me, but he did everything else he could to “say” it.

“By the time they left, my friend was dating Mr Pitt and The Adorer got in his car to start the long drive home with me barely giving him any attention.

I was a jerk. I was highly insecure, but I was a jerk!”

Until…

I found myself on a roadtrip with Mr Pitt to go see The Adorer and Miss Singer. After lots of conversations with people who had met The Adorer (whom they all adored), I was in the middle of an internal battle between my true feelings of liking him and my disbelief that a guy like that could like someone like me. I still remember what Mr Pitt said to me.

“You need to learn how to let people like you.” 

Ain't that the truth!

I have never been more nervous to hang out with my friends. The Adorer was still his kind and caring self, and I was trying (pathetically) to put myself out there. At one point while we all were watching a movie and all I could think about was how close The Adorer and I were sitting to each other, he got up abruptly to get a drink and started pacing in the kitchen. He looked upset until he blurted out, a little too loudly, “Kaila, can I talk to you downstairs?” I looked at everyone else that seemed just as surprised as me, and slowly got up to follow him down the stairs to the walkout basement that had a greenhouse.

I don’t remember much of what he said, probably because my thoughts were racing, but he finally said he liked me. You could feel the utmost relief exhale out of the room as I said I liked him too! It was like after so many, many months of confusion and unspoken desire, we finally could relax.

“We went back upstairs, sat on the couch with our friends and The Adorer put his arm around me! Everyone, and I mean everyone, shouted, “I KNEW IT!””

The rest of my visit was a blur, but what stood out the most was our first kiss and the moment we told each other, “I love you!” Both were fireworks and butterflies. Both were special and profound in firsts, but what I had forgotten until present day when I started flipping through my journals was some key notes about our first kiss.

We had gone on a double date with Mr Pitt and Miss Singer, and were waiting for them outside the theatre. As we were hugging he looked down at me, held my chin and kissed me! You better believe that my teenage self had butterflies. I also thought, how the heck have I lived my life without experiencing kissing?!

I haven’t even gotten to the funniest part. I didn’t remember the movie we saw, because I was too busy kissing The Adorer (once I started, I couldn’t stop). But when I went through my journals, I found the movie stub I had taped into the pages. Would you believe the movie was The Holiday! I honestly believed I hadn’t watched that film until I lived in Europe years later. I literally said out loud in my apartment when I saw the movie stub, “Stawp,” then giggled. I must have been very distracted to have forgotten Judd Law!

“The visit was all and everything I could have imagined it to be. We were emotionally connected through our friendship for so long, now the romance and intimacy had catching up to do!”

We started our long distance relationship after that and it was hard, but I was grateful that our long distance friendship had prepared us for this. We talked regularly and started planning our futures together. We both had plans for the next couple of months, but after that, we wanted to start our lives together. In the same place. This may be shocking to some, but marriage was discussed. Maybe not so shocking is that we were both devoted Christians and marrying young is very much a Christian thing to do!

But, I get ahead of myself.

My insecurities and self doubt began to heal the more secure I felt in our relationship. He adored me and I adored him. My confidence soared the longer we were together! But the thing about confidence is that if it’s found in someone else and not through oneself, uncertainty tends to resurface eventually.

To be continued…

Editor’s Note: As I read through my journals about this relationship, I realized I was the villain of this story. Up until this point, I thought I knew the part I had played, but I obviously had sugar coated it to make myself feel better! It was a lightbulb moment for me. Gotta love how writing and processing life can go hand-in-hand.