Dear Stability, I'm Sorry I Called You Boring
It’s been nine months. Nine months since I’ve been on a date. Granted, I was a late bloomer to dating and didn’t really start until my early 30s, but once that door was opened, I have regularly been dating. Searching for my person, if you will! The Jess to my Rory (yes, I’m Team Jess) or the Patrick to my David (any Schitt’s Creek lovers out there?).
As you’ve seen in this blog, I’ve had a string of adventures when it comes to dating. Some good, some ugly, and some I believe the universe destined were purely for entertaining my coupled-off friends.
So, it’s kind of funny to me that I haven’t dated in nine months. You know what’s also funny? How peaceful life has been! I’m not kidding.
Dating preparations always consisted of:
Sharing my location with someone… just in case
Sharing specific details about the guy, including screenshots of his profile pic… just in case
Overthinking the outfit to make sure I’m not “asking for it”... just in case
Overthinking the shoes I wear to make sure I can run… just in case
Making sure I keep an eye on my drink while out… just in case
Texting a friend before and afterwards so they know I’m safe… just in case
“** wipes sweat from forehead ** And that doesn’t even cover being present on the date and in the conversation that unfolds. So, as you can see, it’s been peaceful without all that!”
During these nine months, I have come to learn something very important about myself. This lesson is not something I’m particularly proud of but has explained why I’ve said no to a specific type of person.
What is this eye-opening lesson?
I find chaos comforting.
Even now, I want to throw up at the thought! The thought of finding chaos comforting is not a lesson I expected to learn. I like being in nature, art, music, sleep, relaxing… all things I thought equated to the opposite of chaos. However, I crave the busyness of the city most of the time and some of my favourite pieces of art are loud and bold. When I need calm and relaxation, I listen to jazz, and as one of my old flatmates put it, “How can you relax to that? It’s so disruptive as different instruments create their own thread of music to merge with another!”
Chaos, my friends. Chaos.
The truth is, I grew up in chaos. For one, my older sister and I strongly disliked each other and that was loudly and aggressively vocalized at home. Unless we were at school, then if anyone (and I mean ANYONE) said something against me, you better believe they were dealing with my sister! Fights, slamming doors, and the silent treatment were the norm in our family, but love was also deeply present.
“We’ll mess each other up but no one else gets to mess with our family! Chaos and love lived symbiotically together. That was normal for me, so what makes this upbringing a lesson in dating?”
I ask you this… what’s the opposite of chaos?
Stability.
And when chaos is a comfort, stability seems boring.
This is a common phenomenon and I believe it’s more and more prevalent in dating. All of us seeking to settle down want stability, however, those of us where chaos has become a comfort are dismissing those who are grounded because we cannot see them for who they are. We can only see them as lacking in being interesting.
Let that sink in for a second. When chaos is a comfort, stability seems boring.
Just take a look through my blog posts. I’m talking about The Waiter in Eight Lessons, One Night, The Rescuer in A Haunting Memory, Lieutenant in Stranger Danger, and The Wanderer in You & Your Wandering Eye. I was either chasing chaos or dating chaos! All of which make for great stories but is that really what I want? At age 38?
The answer is no. No, I don’t want that!
“Albert Einstein said, “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.” It’s time to change the cycle! I’m not ready to go insane just yet.”
The bottom line is, that I’m a passionate person who dabbles in drama, and that’s part of what makes me me. You will not see me losing that side of myself. I’m ridiculously curious, chronically underestimated, stubbornly tough, and inquisitively empathic (hence the CUTE in MeetCUTE)… all of which accumulate to some form of theatrics.
Letting go of chaos isn’t letting go of myself. It’s growing up! I think we sometimes forget that. Emotional maturity is seeking common ground with others, or self-awareness at the very least. So to all the stable men out there that I ended things with because I thought “there wasn’t a connection” (aka. boring)... I’m sorry! And to all the chaotic men who have and will continue to fill this blog as anecdotes for the MeetCUTErs reading it, thank you for your service.
We’ll see if month ten brings any dates with stability. Until then, I’ll be bettering my good guy meter.
Ps. Set-ups are always welcome! ;)
