Out of Sorts at 38 (And Finally Okay With It)

I turn 38 this month and I kind of feel out of sorts. Not in the mid-life crisis way. Not in the “why am I still single?” way. Not in the “I’m old!” way. And definitely not in the “it’s all downhill from here” way.

I’m out of sorts because I never imagined my life the way it is now. Good or bad, I always saw myself in a different place at 38. My dreams have changed a lot since I was young and adaptability has become my friend through the heartache and gratitude of it all.

Lesson #1 — Listen to the Little Voice

When I was a teenager, I dreamed of being a young mom. I thought I’d be married by 22 and have kids by 25—one boy and one girl! I never thought much of a career, but always knew I’d be a stay-at-home mom and volunteer at my dreamt-up-family’s local church. I imagined a husband that was a gentleman, loved to play with our kids, and protected our family.

“This was all I ever dreamed of by the time I was 16! I was desperate to fulfill it and ignore the tiny, quiet voice at the back of my head saying, ‘But I know you want to become a prosecutor or a defense attorney.’”

Though this voice quietly sang daily, everyone else around me said I’d be a great missionary. It made sense. So, I tuned out the little voice. I could do missionary work until I settled down at 25 and I was so close to fulfilling that 16-year-old dream with The Adorer (Just Let Me Love You Part 1 and Part 2), but that little voice kept nagging, “Are you sure?”

Lesson #2 — Listen to Your Passion

When I was 24, those dreams adjusted a little, though I clung to the desire for a husband and family. I moved to London where getting married young wasn’t the trend in the church and using your 20s to explore was! I started dating and figuring out what I wanted in a man besides just wanting a man.

I dreamed of being married by 30, starting a family, and continuing my passionate work with anti-human trafficking charities. I got involved in government work and saw a bill become an act in which William Wilberforce’s anti-slavery law finally got an update (took long enough!). I began to think about my desire to become a lawyer again, though, advocacy and policy began to drift in and out of the dreams. The little voice shifted its tune to whispering thoughts of politics and social justice. My work was so fulfilling and I began to see my 16-year-old dreams blossom in a new direction.

Lesson #3 — Be Kind to Yourself

When I was 30, those dreams changed again. I became aware of my age and wasn’t sure if children were in the cards for me. I had one gorgeous nephew and two more on the way! They warmed my heart in ways I didn’t know was possible. Each time I held them, even now, I think, “I never knew I could love someone like this.” Their presence in the world shifted my dreams! I began to ask questions like, “Do I love them from 7,000 km away or do I close the gap?”

“As for love, it felt unreachable. My career and ambition intimidated many men in the church. Date after date, I always left feeling like I was too much.”

The only men that didn’t make me feel that way were non-Christans, but if you know anything about the Christian church, you know that it’s frowned upon to date someone that’s not a Christian. So, the dating pool was limited. The crazy part was I couldn’t bridge the gap between my confidence in my day-to-day work and my confidence in my romantic relationships. I was always second-guessing myself and cutting things off too quickly, like in A Panic Filled Kiss. I would later come to learn that second-guessing myself was a symptom of the work I was so confidently doing. The irony is not lost on me.

Lesson #4 — Joy and Grief Can Happen Together

When I was 33, my dream of being a published author became reality. I couldn’t believe it! And just as quickly as that dream came into play, all my other dreams came to an abrupt end.

“Everything I was working towards and saw for my future stopped. One simple decision to leave missionary work to uphold my integrity and keep myself safe, ended so many avenues I was joyfully walking down in my life.”

My home in London got left behind, and with it my career and my whole network. My community and friends that I had built over 10 years were thousands of miles away. And then, eventually, I left the church behind. The only place I had known consistently for 33 years of my life.

All I had left were memories and my immediate family. This was a dark time which I wrote about in My Greatest Heartbreak.

Lesson #5 — You Can Start Over at Any Age

When I was 34, any dreams I had took a backseat! I started over in a new city and I tried to build a new network in, what felt like, a new country. A lot can change in 10 years and that’s how long I was gone from Canada. I bounced around from family member’s homes, desperately applying for jobs, and slowly watching my bank account drain. I applied for over 90 jobs and continually revamped my resume as the rejections for being overqualified came through. After eight months of joblessness and desperation, a couple I had met once in London introduced me to someone they knew who then gave me a job.

“All you need is one. One person who leverages their power to help you.”

I entered the marketing industry and fought hard to teach myself the lay of the land with no academic or educational degree to guide me. I was solely relying on experience and determination. Rebuilding requires a lot of tenacity, smarts, courage, and self-belief, all of which I have a lot of and all of which I’ve failed at repeatedly. But I rebuilt my life. A new life.

Lesson #6 — You’re Never Too Old to Dream

Now, almost 38, I’m trying to dream again. Society tells me I should have been married by now. Society tells me I’m getting too old to have children. Society tells me if my dreams haven’t come true by now, they likely won’t. Society tells me I’m too old.

However…

My dreams tell me differently. Today, I dream about being a published author… again. Today, I dream about finding love for love, not just to push the sads and loneliness away. Today, I dream about taking my nephews on trips to see this beautiful world we have the pleasure of living in. Today, I dream of buying a home.

“Today, I’m finally dreaming again!”

Lesson #7 — You Don’t Need to Fit In (learning in process)

So, back to the beginning… why am I out of sorts? 

Because I don’t fit the mold. I’m a 38-year-old, single woman, living in a 450 sq ft apartment, feeling complacent and incredibly lonely. I don’t know where I fit with my life-is-a-party 20-year-old friends or my don’t-have-time, married-with-children friends. I don’t know where I fit with dating anymore (though, I know I’m not alone in that) and as a late bloomer to romance.

I don’t fit in and I’m trying to be okay with that.

Fitting in is overrated anyways, right?

“It’s time to stand out. Confidently and unapologetically! Even if I’m a little out of sorts.”